A look back on the year of “Creation”

2021 A Year in Review

I wish I could share that 2021 was my year of creative connection, that I found time to be alone in nature or create something incredibly important and nourishing. Because when I called it the year of “creation” I did so with all the hope and positivity I could muster. I also really wish I felt a deep joy from the last 12 months, so this blog wouldn’t be such a huge bummer but instead, I’m going to be honest with you…

2021 has been the year of creation only because of one thing, out of the ashes of this incredibly isolated and hard year I have “created” a new way forward. 2021 meant leaving behind so much of what I love and starting over in a new place, new country, new culture, and in a new life. It meant losing my main creative life source which was capturing stories of birth and parenthood and trading it in for a lot of self-reflection and alone time. It meant giving up my community and supportive friends for a season of feeling really inferior as a parent and as a woman. And as I write this you may say “ oh but you didn’t seem that sad over on social media?” and my reply would be that social media is a veil. It’s honest and real but it’s just moments in time. Moments when I felt inspired, adventurous, wise, intuitive, and creative. But it wasn’t all of my moments because the other moments I was usually crying alone in my house unable to think or post or articulate or parent. But I wanted to write this blog today in all its good and bad for mostly me because as not pretty or adventurous as it is I want to be able to look back and return to these reflections in years to come. And say, “you did it, you are awesome, brave, and capable.”

So here is how my 2021 “really” has gone…

We started this year deeply connected to our North Carolina home and the people that made us feel a part of something. It was a gift to have this season because at the start of 2019 and 2020 we had no idea what roots would grow there and wondered if our people were even out there. In most ways, I felt I started the year energized and present on a beautiful and inspirational level. But I always felt the loom of our upcoming move sitting ahead of us. I got to celebrate the pregnancy announcements of dearest friends and past clients with miraculous joy and deep mourning, knowing I wouldn’t be there to watch these little babies enter the world or be there to support these strong mothers through the transformation. I did get to witness empowered births all the way up until the day we packed up our little bungalow in April and drove out of town. Like literally poor Chris had to pack up our house and watch Jude on our last day while I got to photograph a beautiful birth on Easter! We spent a few weeks in Florida resting with my family and saying hard goodbyes.

And then we moved…

In many respects, our welcome to England was surprisingly calm and uneventful. Jude was amazing on our long flight and car ride from London and the little house we chose from online pictures ended up being really perfect for us. We had to quarantine for 10 days but even before we met anyone we were being supported by Chri’s advisor at the university to get furniture and groceries so we could easily land on our feet. All in all, I think emotionally we were all just still adjusting but not fully accepting what we had just done. That took maybe a month.

As the Summer started we were met with the gravity of what it actually means to leave everything and everyone you love and start somewhere new. Jude was fast entering toddlerhood at 20 months but with all the life changes I think it was a lot harder for him. My cup was pretty empty as well and all the sources I used to go to, to feel filled up and inspired were miles, oceans, and time zones away. It was hard and still is hard. But in many ways, that’s where the word “creation” did end up resounding over 2021 for us.

We all had to create new ways of doing everything.

New ways of getting around (no car so all walking or public transport)

New ways of balancing parenthood and work

New ways of staying connected to our family and friends and

New ways of filling our cups on our own.

I wrote these words at the beginning of last year as I was dwelling on my hopes for 2021, “My prayer for this year is that I find a new rhythm and balance to my roles as mother, wife, business owner, artist, woman, friend, and educator…I want to create something new, wild, beautiful and different from what I’ve been doing. I want to lean into this next season of the unknown and create something life-giving and soul igniting.” and you know what in many ways I met these goals but probably in the most unexpected and un-fun way possible. I did end up finding that new balance as a mother by having a full-on panic attack then finding an amazing therapist. I did end up finding a new balance as an artist and business owner by literally starting everything over, working around very little child care and doing work I never imagined myself finding purpose in.

All in all, we have found, learned, and created a lot of good amidst this incredibly hard and sometimes dark year. We found a lot of adventure and beauty here in Northern England enough to make every month feel very rich with history and things to photograph and be inspired by (as you will see most of this year’s photos are from here in our new land). I learned a lot about rest and talking to myself with much more respect and grace. We have learned how to be patient, gentle, and unexpecting when it comes to Jude and the person he is becoming. We have learned to communicate even more and in unique ways as a family of three since Jude is not talking quite yet. We have learned over and over not to compare ourselves with others as a family, marriage, or artist (that one is for me) We have found that daycare here in the UK is great and we really love our little nursery that’s across the street from our back yard. And one of the most comforting parts of our year has been the time we’ve taken to create a quaint little home here filled with our personalities and the things that make us feel happy and safe.

So as we walk slowly but head held high into 2022 I want to call this year, the year of

Celebration

Not because I think it’s going to be filled with a ton of highs (though after the hard years we’ve all had in 2020 and 2021 I would love that) but because I want to learn how to celebrate even in the mundane. I want to celebrate every time I get to pull out my camera again, every time I reach a life or business goal, and every time I drink more than 8 cups of water that day. I want to celebrate when Jude sleeps through the night and Chris and I share a night full of belly laughs. I hope 2022 is the year we feel settled here. The year I move my business 90% remote and fall in love with it again. The year we hear Jude say his first real words. The year we feel less alone and more on the adventure we had originally set out to undertake. I hope we see more countries and magical places. I hope we make new friends and have dinner parties that don’t revolve around our kids but around being people. I hope I find ways to celebrate my body whether it’s in pounds lost of self-love gained, whether it’s in days of exercise or hours soaking in the bathtub. And if at the start of 2023 I can quote these hopes and say I’ve found joy in celebration in even half of them, then I think 2022 will be a good one.

And now without further ado here are my favorite photographs of 2021. Taken in 6 different countries but mostly of Jude.

Durham, England

“Our Back Garden, Rain, Snow or Shine”

Life Partner living his best life

Lindesfarne, Holy Island, England

May 2021

Lagos, Portugal

Flowering

Welcome to the world Lucien

Durham, England

“Mother Nature” : One

Sycamore Gap, Hadrian’s Wall, England

The Birth of Haven

York, England

Jude, Rocks & the English Coast

“The only person who probably misses blood and placenta….”

Self Portraits of the “Artist” and the Mother

Eating an Apple: a series

The Free Mother

“it’s ok to not know how you feel about motherhood”

Welcome to the world Aurelia

Belfast, Northern Ireland

Christmas Markets, Frankfurt, Germany

“Mother Nature” : Two

The Birth of Lucy

Frodo, Halloween 2021

Welcome to the world Eliza

Sagres, Portugal

The Scott Family

“Fields of Gold and Toddlerhood”

The Birth of Maxímo

From England

to Portugal

Trinity College Old Library, Dublin, Ireland

Free Postpartum

Durham, England : Jude’s First Train ride 18 months

Holy Island, England

Lagos, Portugal

“Mother Mary”

South Shields, England: Jude 2 years old

“Mother Nature”: Three

The Kirk Family

Reflective Postpartum

Lagos, Portugal

The Birth of Rocco

Durham, England

Edinburgh, Scotland

Hadrian’s Wall, England