The Birth of Rocco
Durham England Birth Photography
The Homebirth of Rocco
Story Written and shared by mom, Brithgge
If my life had a theme leading up to my labor and birth it would be Surrender and Trust. I had to dig deep past my roots, filter through the bull shit and let go so I could just surrender and trust.
Leading up to my “due” date I wanted to give my body any and every opportunity to do its own thing, so this little human could come earth-side on their own time. But the closer I got to April 4th the harder this pregnancy became. I was so convinced this baby would come early and share a birthday with their brother (March 23) that I didn’t think of the possibility of them sharing a birthday with their sister. After 40 wks my anxiety was through the roof. I couldn’t imagine the mixture of life and death all together in one day all over again. I hoped and prayed this baby would come before the 4th, they had to come before the 4th. There was no way I’d have a baby again on that same day.
It was a Thursday, I was 40+3, exhausted, in so much discomfort physically and mentally.. I was done, I was ready. If I could help move things along before my midwife and photographer left (after wk 41) and Poppy’s birthday, I was going to try. So I chatted with my midwife and I decided to start a pumping protocol for three days. This brought on painless, regular contractions and some bits of mucous. I felt lots of downward pressure with those contractions, which were reassuring that my body knew what it was doing. I had to let go of the idea that this whole process was outside of me. I needed to trust in my body.
The pumping protocol coupled with curb walking, spinning babies moves and all the things, felt helpful but I was still so anxious and irritable. That Saturday, the last day of pumping, we were ready and at the point where I felt comfortable trying everything to get things going. I wanted to be more proactive in this whole “waiting” game. My husband (Matthew) and I talked about it and decided we were ready to see what my cervix was doing and to try for a membrane sweep if possible. So that morning my midwife came over and did an NST and baby was healthy as can be. When she did my cervical check I was 2cm and very soft but not fully effaced, which I had a feeling about. (I had been checking my own cervix out of curiosity, I wanted to feel the difference throughout pregnancy and labor). I was relieved that she was able to do the membrane sweep. The rest of that visit, we went over some of my fears going into the following day and ways to release that and change my perspective.
After that visit we went on a walk, I did some curb walking and the miles circuit and tried to be mindful and present with my family. I had consistent, painless contractions for the rest of the day and bits of bloody discharge and mucous. I felt that things might actually progress into the night so I gave my family a heads up so they could be ready to pick up my son(Archie) in the morning. I checked in with my midwife around 9:30pm letting her know how I felt and that I was going to try and get some rest.
At 12:30am on April 4th I started to have legit contractions, I made sure to take note of this but to just rest as much as I could. There was a huge sense of relief and disbelief knowing the day that was finally ahead of me. The contractions were present enough for me to notice but quiet enough for me to get some sleep.
Just after 3am my contractions intensified. I gave myself time to get quiet and really feel them out before I made my next move. I made an attempt to go back to sleep but I just couldn’t. I ended up sending out a heads up text to my support team and started timing a bulk of contractions to see if there was consistency. I started timing them at 4am and at that point they were averaging just under a min with about 3 minutes in between them. They were a little sporadic, I could easily breathe through them but every few I felt were a bit more challenging to focus my breathing. I also had a huge urge to poop but every time I tried, nothing came of it which was so disappointing! I wanted to poop so badly. I still tried to rest as much as I could.
6:45am rolled around and I couldn’t stay in bed any longer. I was shaky and antsy. I felt like I couldn’t relax into anything knowing my son was still home and that there were things to start prepping since this was our first home birth. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to go fully into labor land until Archie was with my family. So I got a hold of my aunt and set up for him to be picked up within an hour. I showered and tried to breathe to calm my nerves as much as I could. I remember being an emotional mess when it came time to get Archie ready to go. When we went to wake him up, it felt like he knew it was time. He was confused but eager to go. I cried knowing that the next time I saw my sweet boy, everything would be different. He would suddenly look like a big boy and not my little baby anymore, It made my heart ache. I was equally emotional over the fact that he would soon be a big brother to a little brother or sister. When my aunt got here to pick him up and we said our goodbyes, tears flowed. She hugged me so tight in that moment, it was so sweet and helped carry me through that emotional wave.
Once Archie left I felt like I needed to do things but Matthew convinced me to just relax and rest. At 8am I sent another check in message to my midwife updating her on things. I was FINALLY able to poop not once, but a few times. Such a relief. I started feeling contractions in my back and butt. I had blood tinged “goo” at this point and contractions were starting to get hard to breathe through, they would stop me in my tracks if I were up and moving. I started timing contractions again around 9am and they were all over the place. Some were 17sec, others 77sec. Ranging from 1min to 3min apart. I needed to eat but I was hesitant because I felt queasy and I didn’t want to be sick.
We put on a show and Matthew started making me peanut butter toast. I have to laugh because we were watching a show that’s absolute trash, but a guilty pleasure. There was one part that made me laugh so hard that when a contraction hit, my laughter made the pain so much worse. Matthew was also laughing and I think I almost freaked him out when the pain hit. Before the end of that show Matthew had gotten up and started getting things checked off of our labor to-do list.. like turning up the water heater, pulling out all the snacks, prepping our bed and the birth pool. We put on another show and I started getting anxious about when to have my support team come. My best friend was 10min away, my doula 30min away and everyone else an hour away. I wanted to make sure I got the timing right but I also didn’t want everyone to show up and feel like they were sitting around twiddling their thumbs.
Since my contractions were still super wonky I knew I needed to do some SB movements to help shift things around. My midwife assistant made a few suggestions for moves as well. I was nervous to do any moves at all, let alone during contractions. I knew it would be painful through them and that it could speed up labor, I didn’t know if I was ready for that.
I got up from the couch to use the bathroom and I remember having to stop when an intense contraction hit, I had been mid conversation with Matthew talking about when to have everyone head this way. After I made it to the toilet and gathered my thoughts I finally just told him to have everyone come.. he had actually already sent the text after seeing my shift from that last contraction. I remember that fuzzy labor feeling starting to kick in at that point. By 10am my birth crew were all on their way.
My best friend showed up first followed by my doula maybe 20 minutes later. By 11:30 am everyone had arrived. It was such an exciting and buzzing feeling when everyone started to trickle in. I spent so much time preparing mentally for this, meditating, breathing, being present in my body, with my baby. I had worked so hard for months and envisioned this for so long that I couldn’t believe it was all actually happening. I was going to have my baby at home.
We finally got to doing the moves I was nervous about. They weren’t nearly as bad as I had imagined them being. Everyone found their own rhythm and pace, started setting things up and settling in. It felt like time directly surrounding me was slow and warped but just outside of that bubble, everyone and everything was moving slightly faster, normal. It was a bit of an exhilarating feeling. Knowing everyone was there to support me in bringing our baby into the world, was such a gratifying feeling.
At the same time, feelings of panic started to creep in. I felt like I needed to be alone to center myself so I went to our bathroom and closed the door for a bit. I remember looking at myself in the mirror and saying “I can do this, I am doing this.” I was so overwhelmed with emotion. Moments later I found myself on the toilet hanging out through a few contractions. Once I finally made it back to the living room floor, I was there to stay.
My birth playlist was playing and a song that reminds me of Poppy came on. The lyrics, “I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you.. take me back to the night we met.” I fell right back into tears. I remembered mumbling in between my tears and a contraction, “I can’t believe I’m doing this again on this day”.. I truly never thought I’d be laboring and bringing life into the world on the same exact day our daughter lived and died. In that moment I felt hands all over me, I was so held and supported by my crew. I’ll hold this memory near and dear to my heart for the rest of my life. Just writing this out brings back every sensation. I can still feel their comforting hands, the pain, and the empathy felt by every soul in the room.
I labored on my living room floor for almost exactly an hour after this. We tried using the tens unit, but it wasn’t doing anything for me like it did in my previous labor with Archie. I just wanted to sit on my butt shifted to one side, lean back and hang. Eventually I felt like it hurt way too much to sit on my butt so I shifted to my knees. The contractions were so painful on my butt and I started to worry that I’d poop right there. Everyone started asking me if I wanted to get in the water but I was so unsure because I didn’t know when the “right” time would be. I didn’t want to get in too early and I also didn’t think I’d want anything to do with the water. But I finally took the plunge just before 1pm. It felt incredible! I questioned why I hadn’t gotten in sooner.
In the water, I felt like I was able to fully relax and go back to my breathing. About 20 or 30 minutes after being in the pool, I started to push intuitively. I had a lot of mental blocks when it came time to push. I was so unsure if it was “time”. I was paranoid that my urge to push was wrong. My previous labor with Archie, I started pushing too early so my cervix swelled. I didn’t want to chance that happening again. I actually think that my fear of repeating that was stopping me from fully immersing myself into the pushing phase. Shaken and unsure, I had asked my midwife to check me to make sure I was ready. She was fully prepared to do a cervical check but before doing so, she said, “I can check you but I trust in you and your body, that you know what to do'' she reminded me that I could also check myself. She was so simple and certain in her response, It gave me courage. I took a few breaths, gathered what thoughts I could and said “okay”. I reached down to check myself and when I did, I felt baby's head. I started crying immediately, what an incredible moment. It was the motivation and reassurance I needed.
Being in the water, I felt like I was able to move my body how I really needed to. I did a lot of leaning back and swaying my hips. When I fully went into pushing, I came forward and leaned on the pool. I was so tired and I wanted to be done. The thought “I can’t do this anymore” crossed my mind and it was then when I knew we would meet our baby soon. Through a few more contractions I felt babies head right there and OH THE PAIN. There is nothing like the ring of fire. Everyone tried to get me to slow down here but I just couldn’t. I honed in and pushed with all my might until baby's head was out. When I moved my hand down to feel, all I said was, “what a big fucking head” with pain in my voice. In between the next few contractions I freaked out a little. I felt the most alien-like movements, baby was making all sorts of movements as their head was out.. I made some weird freaked out sounds and said “it’s moving, it’s moving!” Such an odd and mind blowing sensation, I barely know how to describe this! With a few more contractions and a change of positions, I reached down with one hand and lightly held baby’s’ head through one last contraction, I pushed one last time and baby was born.. I reached my other hand down and brought my baby to my chest. An instant wave of emotions came over me. Shock, relief, awe.. love. So much love. I did it, I really did it!
I was so proud of myself and I still am. My 9lb 8oz baby was born at 1:58 on April 4th, 2021. In between a million “oh my god, I did it, is this real?” I felt baby's bottom and instantly knew. I lifted our baby up for my husband to see.. A boy! Another sweet, sweet boy. I don’t know what it was about this moment but it brought on a whole other depth of emotions. I was able to fully trust in myself and my knowing. I felt a rush of Poppy all over me. I felt so much love, in ways I never thought were imaginable. To overcome such an incredibly difficult day.. I will never forget this journey to meeting my littlest son. The day I had to feel things deeply. The day I was both strong and soft.