Our Stories of Breastfeeding 2021
Our Stories of Breastfeeding 2021
A series dedicated to celebrating the journeys of breastfeeding and baby-feeding.
Each story is told from the mother’s own words and the images and artwork are of that beautiful mom!
These are stories from all over the world and all different experiences. Together this series create such a powerful tapestry of the different struggles that accompany baby feeding. This year’s theme for #worldbreastfeedingweek is “ A Shared Responsibility” and I think in so many ways when we share our stories we are doing just that by using our experiences to heal and educate. We don’t share them to feel better or higher on the mom hierarchy, we share them openly to normalize the true and sometime literal fire and sacrifice that breastfeeding can be. One that is often impossible to do alone, we need support, we need to hear stories, we need hands-on education and we need acceptance when we make the choice that is right for us and our baby. No matter what that choice looks like.
The stories this year cover everything from pain during breastfeeding to lack of support and even mental health that can physiologically prevent breastfeeding from continuing smoothly. So I hope when you read these experiences you are not met with guilt or shame but instead threads of connection that could help you in your journey or how you support other women on theirs.
To all moms out there, I do want to say... to celebrate breastfeeding is not meant to shame bottle feeding, formula, exclusive pumping, or any of the other ways you are getting your little one fed! Each mom and baby has a different path and I am a firm believer (especially after having my own battles) that it is not always straight or a matter of right/wrong when it comes to nourishing your little one. We celebrate the breastfeeding journey because it truly can be an unsung journey for moms out there, it can be hard to overcome 1 hurdle but most moms go through many hurdles and feel unseen. I hope by sharing stories of breastfeeding highs and LOWS it can help other moms out there see that it really is hard and it really is ok to make the choice that is right for you and your baby!
Jonea
Mom of 4 and currently breastfeeding
Sanford, NC, USA
Follow Jonea at @wild..pregnancy_free.birth
The first thoughts that come to mind when I consider my breastfeeding journey "wow! what a wild ride." and "I can't believe my body has been either making babies or making milk for almost 8 straight years!"
My first experience with breastfeeding was hard. I didn't expect to be in so much pain. I didn't expect to be shrugged off by my midwives when I told them I was in pain. I didn't expect to cry so much, to dread every nursing session. After the first couple of weeks, cracked and bleeding nipples, a round of thrush, we finally got over the hill and nursing became easy, enjoyable, and made me feel really powerful.
Honestly I think the only way we got through was by sheer determination and my supportive partner. I am so glad that my husband understood how important breastfeeding was to me and that he never undermined me or doubted me and my ability to figure out nursing in those first few days when I was crying and confused and in pain. What has helped me get through the years of breastfeeding has been the convenience! It's way easier for me to pop out a boob than it is to cook a meal or prepare a snack! I love how much can be solved with nursing. It's been an incredible tool.
Along with my husband I thrived off the support I got being in online community with other mothers who were in all different phases of their journey. There is nothing more inspiring than hearing from a friend who is nursing her 3 year old that it gets better and easier and that they struggled at first too. Its also fun to share jokes, funny stories, be validated and supported in your struggles as well as celebrations.
Now that I am on to baby #4, the hardest part is that my physical body is always in demand. I can quickly become touched out. Sometimes I feel guilty for not taking care of myself or eating enough to make sure that I don't deplete myself of the nourishment I need so that I can show up for my kids. I know that my milk is perfect for my baby and I know that for my body to keep making perfect milk that it is taking SO MUCH from me.
My only wisdom for other moms is,
“If you are bleeding and dreading every nursing session get help! If your midwife or doctor won't help you, find someone else. It is not normal, even if your baby's latch looks ok from the outside, if you are in excruciating pain, you don't need to suffer. There is a way to keep breastfeeding without pain.”
Kristy
Mother to one
Amsterdam, Netherlands
Follow Kristy at @kristymannell.art
I breastfed my (now six months old) son, Colin, for nine weeks, and it was a challenge every day.
I was aware it could be a challenge, because my mother had a difficult time breastfeeding my sister and I. I knew it might not work for me, and I had said to my partner, “if it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work, I’m not going to push it”. Famous last words, of course. Colin was born with a tongue-tie, which brings with it a host of problems. We were lucky enough to get it diagnosed within a week of his birth, but even when it is fixed the baby still has a lot of issues with latch.
I had to pump-to-feed exclusively for the first few weeks. Pumping became a huge emotional hurdle for me. I hated the sensation and having to wake up at 3am to do it while my partner fed my boy was torture. By the end of the nine weeks I couldn’t do it without crying.
We did sometimes manage to breastfeed directly without the pump. We had to use a nipple shield the whole time, though. This worked okay, but it would take him almost an hour per feed - by the time he was done he was exhausted and hungry again! Never mind the fact that it was always excruciatingly painful for me. I bit my bottom lip so hard that I started to get permanent teeth marks on it.
This was all manageable to begin with because my partner was at home for the first few weeks, but once he went to work it became impossible. We had a visit from an excellent lactation specialist who really helped us, and we managed to make it to nine weeks. After a while, though, Colin started to refuse my breast. It became a battle and I just couldn’t make myself pump anymore. I decided to stop, much to the relief of everyone around me!
I’m definitely going to try again with our next child, when and if we have one. I believe breastfeeding to be very important. Colin’s health is excellent and I am sure that breastfeeding has contributed to that. Next time I’m going to invest in a better pump and also, start pumping before I give birth. I’ve read this can help women who have a low supply (another issue I had) start strong.
For some, breastfeeding is easy. And for others, it’s not. We were blessed in some ways - Colin has always been a brilliant sleeper and almost never cries - but breastfeeding was our challenge.
I look forward to giving it another go next time - but if it doesn’t work, I’m not going to push myself so long. Colin loves his bottled milk and we are lucky to have access to high-quality and affordable formula.
I’ve worked through a lot of the (irrational) guilt I felt for stopping breastfeeding by making art about it.
Jess
Mother of one
Washington, England, UK
I have one daughter named Peyton and she is 21 months old now and still feeding a minimum of twice a day (and then through the night) I’m not yet sure when our journey will come to an end as I currently don’t see that happening any time too soon.
So the first thing I think of when I talk of my breastfeeding journey is time.. the time before my daughter was born and the anxiety and pressure I put on myself to be able to breastfeed as I wanted it so badly, the time just after delivery when my baby wouldn't latch and just seemed disinterested completely. The time the nurses took my 4-hour old baby down to take her blood and check her glucose levels to make sure she was alright as she still hadn't fed, then… the time she DID latch, that moment was the beginning of our now ongoing 21-month journey.
After a pretty straightforward delivery, I was just so excited to start feeding Peyton (my daughter) but she definitely had other plans.. she was born 7:53 am and it wasn't until almost 10 pm before her first latch and feed! The whole time was just a whirlwind of stress, anxiety, and fear that I was letting my baby down, I was told because of the time without any milk she would need her glucose levels checked to make sure she could sustain herself longer without a feed, thankfully her levels were fine and she was just holding out to do it on her own time.
The moment she FINALLY latched was like a dream.. all of that stress and worrying and thinking every plan that we had made was going down the drain just melted away, she was feeding! My clever girl knew exactly what to do and from then on was an absolute pro! A tear rolled down my cheek and my partner took our "first boobie" photo, the moment was perfect.
When I think of the hardest part of our journey and what’s really been our biggest challenge I always feel kind of selfish.. like I knew what I was getting into when choosing to exclusively breastfeed but sometimes as she has gotten older I’ve really taken notice of the strain it has on me and my partner’s life as I always put her feeding and comfort ahead of my own. Although I believe that's how it should be I am constantly reminded of the things I can no longer do. I suffer from mental health issues and to say that's been hard throughout motherhood/breastfeeding would be a huge understatement. Luckily I never experienced PND [PPD in the USA] but the mental strain was still really tough in the beginning, more so to those around me. Often I would get really paranoid about people holding my baby, if she got even slightly twisty I just wanted her back with me, this happened with my partner too and I feel me being the only one able to feed our baby made him feel extremely left out and he struggled to form a strong bond early on, that’s always been something I've found really hard during this journey.
On the other hand as a more me and Peyton side of things… we have had a practically perfect feeding journey, never had any struggles latching, she slept through the night from 5 weeks old (until 7-8months) she gained weight exactly how she should and never even lost any at the beginning. It was a dream...BUT as her teeth started coming in from 5 months old it would disturb her sleep and ultimately each time she would be constantly wanting boob which in itself is extremely tiring but this eventually got to a point where she got very used to getting milk whenever she wanted day or night and I started finding myself really struggling with the constant feeding and lack of free time to do anything, housework, shopping, bathing, eating, alone time and time with my partner.. she never took a bottle despite us trying now and then to try and make it an option.
So basically the hardest part for me personally is the guilt, the guilt for feeling overwhelmed, guilt for thoughts of wishing away our journey, guilt for resenting my choices or guilt for letting her down. That mixed with all the stress of lockdowns and Covid and Peyton not being able to form bonds with other family members making her EXTREMELY attached to me with bad separation anxiety. it just all rolled into one was/is hard.
From a physical point of view, I have had mild mastitis twice, thrush twice and have suffered with nipple vasospasm since she was 8 months old (so painful) those really are big tests but we are working through them each day and I can truthfully say that although some days are HARD I honestly LOVE breastfeeding my daughter.
Some journeys have such a rough start and I am always so grateful to have had such a smooth beginning. So many people were so quick to congratulate me and say 'well done to me for breastfeeding but honestly, I never felt like I did anything in the beginning, it was all Peyton, she was just such a natural and had it all figured out way before I did. She amazes me every single day.
One of my biggest supports throughout this journey has been other mothers. I myself don't have a very big social circle but the little one I do have and the power of social media I managed to build myself such an amazing network of people I could/can always turn to for any of the million things I need help/comfort/advise on. Also, my mam, dad, and my partner Jamie have honestly been the most amazing support throughout everything! I personally didn't find much support available professionally which I know is an ongoing struggle for so many breastfeeding mothers and it really is such a shame.
I will always recommend breastfeeding to any new mama but in that, I am always extremely conscious that some women just don't see that in their future and also that just because I successfully breastfed that that isn't a one for all rule and I can't just glamorize it to everyone as I think it can put a lot of doubt, guilt and worry to a new mam when those "perfect moments" aren't that perfect at all.
I myself was never told of the negatives or struggles of breastfeeding and really was not at all prepared for if things went wrong or the thoughts and feelings that come with it as your journey go on.
One of the best things I could say to a new mother wanting to breastfeed would be to breathe, take it all in, the good, the bad, the painful, the heartbreaking, and the downright amazing as all journeys are so vastly different and you should never compare yours to any other mothers! You might want to combi feed, express only, give up entirely or continue on but whatever you decide to do remember that it is YOUR choice, no one else's. You will know what is right for you and your baby.
Also.. lean on people! IT IS OKAY TO NEED HELP. Don’t ever think less of yourself for needing advice, support, or even a break, breastfeeding or not, being a mother is hard mentally and physically. YOU ARE DOING AMAZING.
Since having my daughter me and my mom have had many conversations now about her own breastfeeding journey,
With her first she was so uneducated and had 0 help my nana actually gave him a bottle once and he settled so my mam believed she wasn't giving him what he needed and subsequently gave up there and then and switched to formula. She's always regretted that. Then came her second born and at this time it was advised to stop breastfeeding at 6 months old and to switch straight to cows milk (crazy I know) but that’s exactly what she did as back then it was advised to also wean your baby from 3 months and so she found the transition quite easy, the same applied when she had me. After hearing all the advice given today to me and seeing my journey she has expressed just how heartbroken she now feels for stopping her journey with us when she did and she believes if the right knowledge, advice, and support were available she never would have. That to me is so hard to hear, I couldn't imagine stopping my own journey so soon and my heart breaks for all mothers who were in the same position as my mom and those who had to for other reasons.
Another thing I want to note is also my relationship with my body throughout our journey and how significantly it has changed.
So my whole life from adolescents to before I became pregnant I had a hard time loving the skin I was in. I picked myself apart and really struggled to accept the way I looked in my reflection, no matter how many compliments or nice words were said I just didn't see anything good in the way I looked. Then I found out I was pregnant and suddenly things started to change. The body I once hated was suddenly home to the most precious thing in my life, I was amazed at how much I enjoyed watching it grow and change. My confidence bloomed and I couldn't love it more, of course, there were still parts of me that changed for the worse as I suffered from sinus swelling and countless medical issues such as recurrent UTIs forcing me to take daily antibiotics throughout my pregnancy. I also suffer from Hypermobility Joint Syndrome which massively affected my day-to-day as well as hormones, mood swings, and mental health. But still, I loved this new me despite all of that.. then I gave birth, WOW how did I do that? My delivery and birth experience was little to be desired due to a very rude and dismissive midwife team and I was treated appallingly. My new love for my body started to fade and I was again picking problems with what I saw but over time seeing what my body was capable of, how it was successfully sustaining this new life I felt I had gained a superpower, this brought back all those positive feelings and really made me learn to love and respect my body for how it is. 21 months into our journey now and of course there are parts of me that will never look the same as they did before, which sometimes get me down if I let the thought linger too long but I remind myself each day of the miracle my body performed and continues to perform each day my baby feeds. I won't ever let myself forget that ever again.
My beautiful girl Peyton Willow Fern Woodhouse has given me so much more than a daughter, she has given me life.
Alyssa
Mother of two
Raleigh-Durham, NC, USA
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I've been breastfeeding for almost 6 years. I nursed my daughter until she was 2.5, and continued to nurse when I got pregnant with my second. My daughter self-weaned during that time as my milk changed in preparation for the new baby. Now I'm still nursing that baby, and he is 2.5. He still loves to nurse, so I plan on continuing this breastfeeding journey for now.
I feel proud that I was able to breastfeed my babies. It takes a lot of work and determination, especially early on. I remember thinking how amazing it was that my EBF six-month-old baby had been solely sustained by me, either in my womb or from my breastmilk. My daughter was growing and learning more every day, and my body was the thing that had helped her thrive. That idea made me proud as a mom and helped me to appreciate my postpartum body as capable and powerful. I've loved looking and communicating with my babies as they nursed. I'll never forget the image of my babies in profile, grabbing my finger and looking sideways into my eyes, thanking me for the milk, then stopping to smile at me before falling peacefully asleep in my arms.
I first breastfed after my natural water birth. We were ecstatic and cuddling in the birth center bed as a family. I was on such a birth high, and I felt incredible. The midwives helped my baby latch on, and she successfully nursed. Breastfeeding my daughter had some challenges, like engorgement pain, cracked nipples because of a poor latch, and thrush, but it was important to me to work through these issues and continue breastfeeding. I'm so glad I did!
When my second child was born, I nursed him right after birth. My milk came in easier and faster than the first time, but when my son was a couple days old, he went to the NICU while I was getting extra hospital care for a postpartum complication. I was devastated at our separation, and I knew that our breastfeeding relationship could be jeopardized. The NICU staff would not let me hold my full-term baby, and they wouldn't let him have any milk, even in a syringe form. I asked for my baby to only receive my milk when he was allowed to eat, and the NICU nurse turned to me and scoffed that there was a good chance I wouldn't make enough milk and I'd have to use formula. Of course, this was a terrible thing to say to a postpartum mother, and it was false. 95% of women make enough milk, and my mature milk had already come in. Luckily I knew I already had an over-supply and was able to tell the nurse that I would have enough milk, and if the status changed my next choice would be donor milk. My baby would not use formula or pacifiers while in the NICU. This exchange made me grateful that I was a second-time mom who had already been through the challenges of nursing. I knew how to advocate for myself and my baby, and I knew that I was capable of breastfeeding. I worry that some first-time moms would have felt defeated and given up breastfeeding before they wanted, simply because an unsupportive provider gave hurtful and false information. I continued to pump in the hospital, and my husband would bring up the milk until we could do syringe feeding, then graduate to SNS, and then eventually get back to the breast. I've continued nursing my son for 2.5 years, and we are still going!
My education and support came from my birth education teacher and my husband. My Bradley Method teacher really prepared me for what to expect with breastfeeding before I gave birth. I learned all about mastitis, thrush, and cracked nipples, so I knew when to seek help and how to resolve challenges. I knew that I would have to nurse 8-12 times a day, and I was mentally prepared to commit to nursing on demand. Mostly what got me through was a mother's determination and love for my babies. When a problem came up, I researched and asked for help, and I always remembered my goal of nursing for at least 2 years.
But my husband is the one who helped me get through those first tough weeks. He would do the late-night diaper changes so I could get some rest. We would talk and watch TV together while I breastfed. When I had cracked nipples, he lightly pressed his finger against my daughter's chin to open up my daughter's shallow latch, the way the midwife showed us. And most importantly, he was completely supportive of breastfeeding. He never once said anything negative or encouraged me to stop. We were always on the same page that breastfeeding was essential for our family. He's advocated for our baby when he was in the NICU, and I'm thankful and lucky that I have a loving partner.
When I was pregnant, I had well-meaning friends tell me to not worry if I couldn't breastfeed because it's so hard. I just tuned them out. Breastfeeding was important to me, and I planned to give myself the best chance I could at accomplishing that goal. I surrounded myself with supportive caregivers, found a breastfeeding-friendly birth place, and took childbirth classes. I read and watched as much as I could and planned for a natural birth. I knew there would be challenges I couldn't predict, but it helped me to know there were resources available to help. It also helped to remember that 95% of women make enough milk, and I thought the odds were in my favor.
Rhiannon
Mother of one and currently breastfeeding
Gloucester, England, UK
Noah is my first baby - so it’s my first time breastfeeding. I’m still breastfeeding now and Noah is 4 and a half months old. The first thought that comes to mind is perseverance. My first few feeds were rough and then I went into overproduction which was even harder - i would wake up and find myself lying in my own breast milk with rocks for breasts! Noah’s latch wasn’t the best so this made it harder to relieve the pressure - I had to pump instead. We’re now back to breast and it’s great! The first few weeks I was helped and encouraged by a breastfeeding lead who’s also a family friend who gave me lots of advice and spent time calling and sending articles and YouTube videos of things like exaggerated latches etc. The hardest part so far was when Noah bit me for the first time - it made me scared to feed again incase he bit me!!
The most support came from a local breastfeeding support network and the breastfeeding lead. Wisdom? I’d say take each day as it comes - it’s such hard work and even if you tried and its not working out - you’ve still tried! At the end of the day fed is best and no one should judge you for doing what suits you and your babe!
I guess other mums might want to hear that they’re not alone in the struggles, it’s hard work, it’s exhausting but also definitely worth it!
Christie
Mother of 4 and currently breastfeeding
Raleigh-Durham, NC, USA
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Breastfeeding my first baby was a breeze. She latched, I fed. Done & done. In fact, I always wondered why women lamented that breastfeeding was "so hard." I just didn't understand. I nursed her for almost two years before preparing to get pregnant again.
Fast forward to baby #2. Aside from severely cracked nipples, it all started out fine. While he latched well, I was simply having a hard time adjusting to caring for two human beings at once. It felt almost impossible some days.
At some point during those first few weeks, I remember feeling really agitated every time I would nurse him. I would often cut his feed off early & shove a pacifier in his mouth because I felt like I needed to put him down & getaway. I felt so antsy. I had no idea what was happening. But I figured that everything was fine.
As the weeks went by, the agitation stuck & he acted more agitated as well. Especially during the witching hour. I spent hours rocking him in a baby swing in the backyard or walking him up & down the block just to keep him from screaming. I would try to nurse him, but he would pull away after a few sucks at that point. Being a second-time mama, I was all, "I've got this" & never thought about asking for help.
Also around that time, I sleep-trained him in order to comply with my pediatrician's opinion about when babies should be sleeping through the night. I was following the directions! He was meeting his milestones! Everything was fine!
It wasn't until his four-month check-up, when my not-normal pediatrician informed me, as I held my inconsolable infant, not only that my baby was considered a "failure to thrive," but also that I looked "too small to breastfeed anyways."
She gave him a bottle of formula.
He sucked it down.
I sobbed the entire ride to Target to buy more.
That evening, determined to increase milk supply, I started a pumping regimen that would send me into depression.
I pumped twelve times a day for fifteen minutes at a time. Every two hours. My hands cracked from washing pumping parts. My heart broke in two every time I pumping with one hand while bottle feeding my baby with the other while sticking my three-year-old in front of another episode of Daniel Tiger.
Eventually, my milk supply increased & I was able to nurse him exclusively, but the anxiety about whether he was getting enough & growing lingered for years after.
It wasn't until many many months after that ordeal that I stumbled across a condition called D-MER, which stands for dysphoric milk ejection reflex, that I realized why exactly I went through all I did. It is a little-understood condition that causes anxiety, agitation & even itchiness instead of the normal bonding hormone when the nursing let-down occurs. It can last anywhere from days to months. The first article I could find that mentioned it was written about two years before my son was born & held very little information about it, but even reading one article that acknowledged its existence was life-altering for me.
Four years later, my son is thriving (albeit still a somewhat pickier eater than his sisters) and I have successfully nursed two more babies since, sometimes still detecting a hint of D-MER, but never the way I did with my son.
After fighting so hard to nurse him for so long, I ended up exhausted and depressed after one of the most physically and emotionally tolling years of my life. I still wish that I could go back in time and tell that Christie that, although nursing is wonderful, so is any means of nourishing your child that sustains the health of both mama and child.
Erica
Mother of one and currently breastfeeding
Asheville, NC, USA
The best words to describe my breastfeeding journey are “overcoming obstacles and finding peace”
Our babe spent the first bit of his life in the NICU undergoing cooling blanket treatment to heal from a brain injury. This meant that we were not able to hold him until he was 8 days old. The first day that I was able to hold him, we set up a chair next to his NICU bed and placed him on my chest for skin to skin. We were able to get him to latch with some help from one of the NICU nurses, and he fed for a couple minutes.
This experience was very emotional, and we wept with relief and joy. Just the feeling of his little warm body against mine was so very special.
The fact that I was not able to hold my baby for the first week of his life, made it very difficult to get my milk supply established. We were able to get a pump from the hospital, but I had no idea what I was doing and spent three days begging the hospital staff to send their LC to help me. I started pumping at his bedside, which helped quite a bit. While he was still in the NICU, I couldn’t feed him directly from the breast, because they had to monitor exactly how much he was taking in. So, it was just pumping and feeding him bottles. I felt enormous pressure to produce enough for the feeds they were giving him and have clear memories of sitting in the NICU parents' sleeping room, pumping nonstop, picturing waterfalls of milk in my head in an attempt to will my body to produce more. Ultimately, we were able to feed him only breast milk once he was weaned off of the IV nutrition that he started on. Once we got home, I expected to easily switch from pumping and feeding bottles to feeding directly from the breast, and I was terribly mistaken.
This transition was HARD. I was so devastated that it seemed we had lost that oh so important first bonding experience and feared that we would never be able to establish a comfortable breastfeeding routine.
It took months of hard work, many meetings with an LC, support from our doula and midwives and my husband, but we finally did it. And once we did, it was so very sweet and healing.
I hope that other parents hear that sometimes you really must be a big-time self-advocate to take care of yourself and your baby in the ways that you feel are best. And know that there are resources that can be tremendously helpful in establishing and maintaining a healthy breastfeeding relationship with your babe.
Kimi
Mother of one
Gainesville, FL, USA
follow Kimi at @thebirthcirclegainesville
When I look back on my breastfeeding journey I feel a lot of mixed emotions. There were happy and hilarious moments, there were moments I’ve never felt more guilty in my life, and there were moments where I didn’t always know how to feel.
I have only one child. I breastfed my little girl until she was 25 months. Yes, I added that extra month onto two years because if you’ve ever breastfed you know each and every month is an accomplishment.
My first attempt was right after birth. But unlike the magical moment I, and every mom around the world probably dreams of, I was not as coherent. I was running on no sleep or food for over 35+ hours. I was planning a home birth but due to unexplained vomiting for 14+ hours my midwives agreed I was severely dehydrated and deterred the need to go to the hospital.
When I finally birthed my baby and she was brought to my chest to feed I had to have some assistance because I quite literally had no energy to lift my arms and hold her head.
The days that proceeded were in a dreamlike fashion. I remember bits and pieces but I slept when the baby slept and I don’t remember much of that first day. The second night I was home and attempting to feed baby with colostrum but she was inconsolable and I was feeling frustrated and worried my milk would never come in. I tried pumping and only droplets would come out. Exhausted and frustrated I just sat there, baby screaming intensely, and cried.
The next day I was desperate. I drank two breast milk teas just to make sure my milk would come in and let me tell you... I woke up from a nap that day looking like Dolly Parton. My midwives did a home visit check-up that day and took one glance at my shirt and said, “yep I don’t even have to ask.”
The hardest part of my breastfeeding journey was around 5 months postpartum. My milk took a significant downturn and I had no idea what to do. I was panicked. I felt overwhelmed, guilty, and just plain embarrassed. I had goals to go for more than a year breastfeeding. I felt like those dreams were slowly fading and I had to face the fact that my baby needed more than I was producing. I started mix feeding and it wasn’t an easy ride on my emotions when we started.
What helped me get through my breastfeeding journey was the support from my husband and family. My husband was my superhero and was absolutely the most encouraging and helpful during this vulnerable time. He supported all my decisions and always made sure I had a full glass of water and a snack near by while breastfeeding our newborn.
My journey to weaning began around 2 years of breastfeeding. As I mentioned, I wasn’t making as much milk after five months. After a year I was making even less milk and it felt like she was using me more for comfort and to go to sleep. Because I started working night shifts at around 1 year, my husband would have to put her to sleep. She was able to go to sleep on her own but still preferred a boob. It wasn’t until we were about to move for the second time that we tried more methods of distraction and she eventually stopped asking for the breast. It was a sad time but I wanted my body back and I felt I was able to show her love through other methods (rocking, singing, etc).
I think the message I want to get across to all moms is that every breastfeeding journey is different. And every baby is different. You are not a failure for doing things differently if they are right for you and your baby. Don’t sacrifice your mental health because of lofty goals. Goals are wonderful and great but it’s OK if you have a change of plans. The overwhelming guilt that consumes a lot of moms is truly unnecessary. Your baby looks up at you every day thinking you are the most awesome thing ever. Don’t lose sight of that.
Kelli
Mother of 2 and currently breastfeeding
Los Angeles, CA, USA
I’m currently nursing my 9 week old as I type this. She nursing okay, but not as well as at the beginning. Her latch is shallow so we are seeing a pediatric ENT soon to likely have a tongue-tie release. She refuses the bottle so hoping this helps with that as well so her dad can help with some of the feedings. I have an oversupply so she often gets flooded with milk during let Downs, coughing and choking as a result. For now, I’m just trying to enjoy our breastfeeding journey together as long as it lasts, but I’m much more comfortable with stopping if things become unmanageable.
She is the opposite of her big sister who never latched for more than a minute or two and was nearly exclusively bottle-fed with pumped milk. After my first baby spent her first 4 days in NICU being fed by bottle and feeding tube, she never got the hang of nursing. Maybe it was because she was rather small? I tried all the things, saw LCs, and finally gave up around 11 weeks and switched to exclusively pumping. For over 8.5 months I pumped until I had two deep freezers full of milk that I estimated could last until she was 12 months. I was grateful my oversupply allowed me to pump more and quit that sooner. There’s no way I could have kept up pumping till 12 months. It controlled my life and was very detrimental to my mental health. I was obsessed with doing the “right thing” for my baby and overcompensating for the lack of control I felt over being induced at 38 wks and baby going to NICU. I was unhappy, not coping well and missed having better quality time.
I cannot believe how different my two breastfeeding journeys look. That the issues are opposites with breast and bottle refusal. I’m proud I provided my first with over a year of breastmilk. She basically never got sick and I like to believe it’s bc my milk kept her healthy.
It did come at a cost to my mental health though. The sense of relief as I started to wean and finally pumped for the last time on Christmas Day was epic. A huge weight was lifted. With my 2nd I love looking down at her profile when she’s nursing. I love not pumping or washing the pump parts. Both scenarios were not free of challenges, but both taught me valuable lessons about letting go and prioritizing mental health, as well as patience and just how very different every child can be. I’ve learned so much in my <2.5 years as a mother and a lot of it comes from my breastfeeding journeys.
When I started hearing people say “fed is best” it helped diminish some of my baggage about not being able to nurse my first child because at least I was able to still give her breastmilk.
But the key part I was missing was the best way for me to care for my baby, was to make sure I was getting the care I needed.
Exclusive pumping wore me out physically, but more so mentally. Pumping every 3 hours was such a ball and chain producing a lot of anxiety and dread. I spent months mentally and emotionally in an unbalanced, unwell place. I decided before I had my second that I would not put myself through that again. My ability to grow and embrace my new role as a mother suffered and I don’t think it was worth it in the long run. If whatever way you feed your child is resulting in you feeling down, it’s time to reevaluate and maybe make some changes.
Jesse
Mother of 2
Calgary, Alberta
follow Jesse at @spectrum.birth.doula
My name is Jesse and I am born and raised in Calgary, Alberta.
I have breastfed two kiddos. My first son, who’s now almost 6, breastfed for 22 months and then self-weaned. It was welcome and felt right because it was on his time. I let him take the lead.
I am now currently breastfeeding my second son who is 4 months old. My goal is to make it to two years again. I will also let him take the lead on this and respect where he wants to go. So far I’ve breastfed a total of 790 days.
My breastfeeding journey has been one of relative ease. There were some struggles but they didn’t last long. When my first was born he would latch but wouldn’t suckle. I spent the first 24 hours of his expressing colostrum into a cup and feeding him with a syringe. I felt like a failure and then when we left the hospital he latched and fed. There were sore nipples, oversupply, and clogged ducts but it all resolved over time.
My second was so easy. He latched and suckled immediately after birth and it was such a relief because I had worries. We’ve been feeding nonstop, in demand with no issues at all. I chalk it up to luck.
The hardest part is feeling so touched out and someone’s constant food/comfort source. I have scratches on my chest, my breasts are still like from oversupply. It’s messy and exhausting and there are days when I just want space.
I wasn’t breastfed that long, and I don’t think there was a long history of breastfeeding in my family so it was important to me to try.
Being under midwifery care was a blessing when it came to feeding. They were so helpful with helping me find positions, asking how it was going, making sure I wasn’t in pain, checking for tongue ties to be sure, which we never had to deal with.
It takes time to learn for you and your baby. There is so much pressure and anxiety around getting it right from the start and it doesn’t always go that way. Be patient and gentle with yourself. Reach out for support if it’s available to you because there are helpful resources to take advantage of. And it’s ok not to love every moment. Your worth is not defined by how much milk you produce or how long you breastfeed for.
Jodi
Mother to one
Seattle, WA, USA
I nursed my firstborn daughter, Winona for the first month of her life. It wasn't all smooth sailing
(she was only able to latch with a nipple shield and took forever to eat), but I had reason to believe it was working for us. At her one-month well-child appointment, we were shocked to learn that she had barely grown since our last visit to the doctor. Despite what seemed like continual feeding, my baby was hungry and had been for weeks. The realization was heartbreaking.
I immediately made an appointment with a lactation consultant and learned to use the pump that had been in its box up to that point. Until we could identify and address the underlying issue, we needed to ensure she was getting the milk she desperately needed. In this time of crisis, my friends surrounded me with incredible support. The biggest stressor was our lack of milk for Winona in those early days, and a friend gave me a huge stash of her frozen breast milk to get us through. Another friend gave me pumping tips and her floral, hot pink pumping bra (because “There is nothing fun about this, so why not get the fun bra?”). My community of sisters listened and empathized as I cried, made meals so I didn't think about cooking, and spoke encouraging words when I didn't know if I could make it through another night.
Winona took the bottle and began growing steadily, as did my supply. At first, I kept trying to feed her at the breast, but she soon became frustrated with the attempts. We were in the process of moving from North Carolina to Washington, so I decided to just stick with what was working and pump exclusively. When I first started pumping, it felt like I was starting over as a parent, relearning how to care for my child. All my confidence was gone and I feared that I wouldn't be able to connect with Winona or ever adjust to the new routine. It was a hard place to be, but we're not there anymore.
For any moms facing similar circumstances, know that you are not alone. I hope you have friends and family to lean on and that you give yourself permission to need them. It would be easy to let discouragement and guilt become your companions, but do your best to ditch them as soon as possible. Instead, it moves forward with hope and humility, empowered to make the decisions you need to make for your family.
And when plans need to change, take courage. You and your baby will learn new patterns and grow through the change together.
